The Biggest Loser

"Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate." ~Author Unknown

Last week was Mark’s family reunion. One of the first items of business on arrival day was for my sister-in-law to award the prize for the “Biggest Loser” of the family (since January). Unfortunately, my EZ Bake oven diet did not carry me through victorious. While I did not win the Biggest Loser award, I may have been the Biggest Loser of the losers of the Biggest Loser competition. If that makes sense. My measly two pounds were smoked by Mark’s brother’s eleven pounds. And to add insult to injury, he even shared his chocolate prize with me. And I ate it.

One of the highlights of the Biggest Loser competition for me was the moral support Sage and Eliza provided for me in my pilates quest.

We only have one exercise mat, which Sage claimed as her own. This made Eliza cry, so I found Eliza a little doll sleeping bag to do pilates on. This worked for about two minutes, before Eliza decided that trying to zip herself up in the sleeping bag was far more interesting than doing exercises. Before losing interest, though, Eliza heard the narrator encourage “pull your bellybutton in.” She sat upright, in her footy PJs and said, “I don’t have a belly button.” And then proceeded to unzip her PJs to look for her bellybutton. Because if you can’t see it, maybe it’s not there. Maybe that’s why the pilates girls are all decked out in bikini tops.

As for Sage, she took the exercises very seriously. Adorned in her own footy PJs, she followed the instructions to a tee. Or at least to what she thought was a tee. In reality, her “Swing your legs back and forth like big scissors” looked more like she was following the instructions, “Pretend it’s 5 hours past your bedtime and your mom suggests it’s time to turn off the TV.” Temper tantrum leg thrashing burns calories too, right?

Sage was fascinated by the pilates girl models, and took interest in the “fingernail polish on their toes!” Which, for some reason, seemed more scandalous to her than the girl’s olive colored bikini and skin tight leggings. (The way I make myself feel better about the immense difference between the size of my stomach and theirs is to make fun of their outfits. Just let me be a little immature.)

Although there were five pilates champions on the video, the coach only referred, by name, to the one who demonstrated the “low intensity” variations. Dagne. Or maybe it's a code name. Dag-knee? Dagh-neigh? Anyway, I could tell that Sage thought Dagne and her toenail polish were pretty cool. Sage often encouraged me to “just do it like Dagne instead of the other girl.” And last month when someone asked Sage who her favorite movie star was, Sage picked Dagne.

Sage and Eliza’s interest in my pilates workouts may not have lost me any inches around the midsection, but it sure provided for some great entertainment. I won’t forget how much Sage laughed when the pilates coach encouraged, “Squeeze your tushie!” or how often Eliza found it necessary to repeat that encouragement randomly throughout the day (occasionally accompanied by a squeeze to my leg or bum).

Some fun exercise quotes:
--Exercise is the yuppie version of bulimia. ~Barbara Ehrenreich
--My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. ~Phyllis Diller
--Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps. ~Author Unknown
--The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down." ~Rita Rudner