The Inverse Fish Hypothesis

There must be an unwritten law that the lifespan of a pet fish will be inversely proportional to their owner’s interest in and love for them. [Translation: If you like them, they die before you get home from the pet store. If you are totally sick of them, they live forever. From the statistically significant observational study I’ve done of the three times I’ve allowed Sage to have a pet fish, I can say that my fish NEVER die!...without a little...uh...encouragement by me. The current pair have resisted and successfully avoided death by confinement (in a small Mason jar), death by pollution (I really don’t like to make time to clean their jar), death by curiosity (of almost 2-year-old Jacob), death by Green Snow Globe, death by starvation (maybe I forgot to feed them once or twice…), and death by all those natural causes that are supposed to occur to fish!!! We don’t even have dechlorinated water!

So here’s the final ounce of proof for my theory, which I will officially call “The Inverse Fish Hypothesis.” Tonight I asked Mark for permission to give our immortal fish a different watery home (via the sewer pipes). Being the pet-loving, sensitive soul he is, Mark hesitated. It was then that I had the genius thought to let Sage take the fish to a new home in the pond on campus. Mark agreed this plan was not just humane, but also better because we wouldn’t have to explain to Sage where the fish went. I prepared a clean jar for transportation purposes when “The Inverse Fish Hypothesis” kicked into gear. As I was transferring the fish to the clean jar, the pretty orange goldfish flipped right out of the bowl down the drain, leaving the ugly brown fish and it’s owner dumbfounded. There you have it; a fish’s lifespan will be inversely proportional to the owner’s interest in it.

Other, more general, applications of “The Inverse Fish Hypothesis” in our home:

--The speed with which kids perform certain tasks will inevitably be inversely proportional to their parents’ need for haste.

--The healthier a food is, the less kids want to eat it. (And sometimes parents, too. Exception: Sage and broccoli.)

--The lower the countdown gets to a scheduled picture day, the more bruises and scratches the kids will get on their face. (Eliza literally got a sliver in the cheek this week…the week my coupon expires.)

--The less time that remains before bedtime, the more things I think of to do…like blogging about fish.

P.S. Here's Sage enjoying Day 1 with her "Comprehensive Health Reform" plan and chart. Notice the picture in the bottom right corner of a McDonald's Play Place. That's the reward for a successful week. "Successful" is yet to be defined.