One green grape

My mom liked to quote Thumper’s mom and say “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” It is in this vein that I throw around vague and general hints about my first trimester case of pregnancy.

Here are the “nice” baby facts:
Weeks: 10
Due date: November 4, 2008
Size: green grape-ish
Mother’s status: ready for a daily epidural.

Now for those who want to know the more truthful, interesting, and grumpy version of these first 10 weeks, read on. At your own risk.

***

The green grape-sized baby (10 weeks old) growing deep in my body is doing an overhaul on my system. It’s not pleasant.

1. I think I’m losing my mind. I told the Primary that after 3 days, they put Jesus’ body in a tomb. Then after three days, he was resurrected. And it will probably only take 3 days before I get fired from that calling, if the bishop catches wind of the false doctrine I’m inflicting on these poor children. After I gave my testimony in church on Sunday, I sat down and promptly tried to recall whether I had said “retribution” or “restitution” and, even more perplexing, which word was right.

2. I sleep like a baby. Like the expression “sleep like a baby.” Not really like how a baby sleeps. And definitely not how my own 21-month-old “baby” sleeps. I seriously want to sleep all the time. Like 9 hours at night and a 2 hour nap are not excessive, according to my body. Sage doesn’t know what to make of this strange change. Actually, I don’t know what to think about the fact that there is an hour and a half of each day that I have no idea what my 3-year-old is doing. This could be a problem.

3. My food likes have been entirely rearranged, without my approval. Meat makes my tummy churn. Ice cream has lost its appeal. Mac’n’cheese always sounds like a good idea, even for 2-3 meals a day. I have become a Saltine cracker guru. Zesta is the only choice. Not the lower sodium kind. I wish they had a double sodium, actually. Since I’m downing twice our normal year’s supply of Saltines each day.

4. Mood swings. My kids fear me. I fear me. I fear the people who drive too slowly in front of me.

5. I have no desire to do productive things like dishes, organizing, bill paying, or socializing. I just want to put on a movie for my kids and go back to mentally calculating how many hours until my first trimester ends. I’m not happy to report the results aren’t looking good.

6. Numbers just don’t seem the same as before. Nine always seemed like such a small number before someone slapped a “months” after it. Now 9=eternity. And I know why 40 was a number used biblically to represent a lot. 40 [weeks] is like infinity. Remember those mood swings? That’s me remembering how big 40 really is.


I’m really happy that we’re going to be having a baby. And I’m grateful for my body’s ability to conceive and carry a child. That’s why this list of negative things is somewhat inappropriate. It just also seems inappropriate that a grape could be so naughty to my body!

I enjoyed the spiritual messages at General Conference today, especially the emphasis on the importance of families. I’m grateful for the calling to be a mother, and the trials and blessings this brings. I love my two girls, and look forward to the having a third—especially once I get past this first trimester! I hope that in spite of my sometimes sarcastic tone, it's obvious that I really do find great fulfillment in being a mom. Today, when Mark turned on the vacuum, both girls ran to me and snuggled in my lap while he vacuumed. It made me want to crunch my Saltines on the floor to prolong the sweet moment.