A little pressure

Now that I’m down to three weeks before the baby comes, I’ve begun to feel a little pressure—both that of little fetus elbows investigating places she should not have access to, as well as that pressure of choosing the perfect name to go with the baby who I only know by the way her extremities feel when being rammed into various parts of my torso.

I don’t consider myself a very stubborn person, but when Eliza was born, I may have exhibited some stubbornness in rejecting certain proposed names. And my dear husband, who even less people would call stubborn, decided to join my new game. And thus it was that Eliza was officially, according to the state of Indiana, Female Williams for 29 days. Finally, on the day before our insurance would refuse to pay for her hospital bills if she didn’t have a name, Female became Eliza in what I like to call “The Great Compromise.” It was almost the “3/5 Compromise,” in that I felt my contributions in the area of pregnancy/labor/delivery warranted me an extra 1/5 of the total vote. But I also wanted to remain happily married, so “The Great Compromise” was built: Mark and my favorite names were both discarded, and Eliza’s name was born—just in time to be a 1-month birthday present for Female.

Lest you think we were lazy or unconcerned about choosing a name, allow me to assure you that I read through book after book and checked out website after website of “Best Baby Names.”

You wouldn’t believe the suggestions out there, my friends. No wonder it was so hard for me to choose. I kept getting distracted by websites that offered me the chance of a lifetime to “Give Yourself a New Name.” The appeal of that website didn’t last long, as, following my best analysis of my personality, it chose me the new stunning name of “Lucille Uta Williams.” Even Female Williams sounds better than that.

Other than to have my baby named before she is born, another wish that is high up on my list is to have the book called “25,001 Best Baby Names” censored from the face of the earth. Not only does it make a fraudulent claim in the title, but it also contains approximately 24,001 of the dumbest name suggestions I’ve ever heard. For each suggested name, the author included its origin and meaning. And I’m pretty sure she (or her elementary school aged kids) made up half of them.

For example:

LaTeasa (Spanish): a flirtatious woman.

Who said “LaTeasa” has any kind of Spanish origin? Because of the La? Then is LaDawn Spanish, too? I’m not buying LaTeasa's origin or meaning, and certainly not its inclusion in a book of “Best Baby Names.”

Or:

Radcliffe (English): of the red cliffs.

That definition seems like someone’s bad attempt at giving a Balderdash answer.

A few other special ones include:

Arwa (Arabic): female mountain goat [Just what every kid wants to explain to their middle school peers.]

Lerola (Latin): resembling a blackbird [Not sure this is a flattering comparison.]

Gath-rimmon (Hebrew)—referring to the pomegranate press. [I promise this was in the girls’ names section.]

Lo-rumahamah (Hebrew): one who does not receive mercy [Nothing like this to give a kid a complex from the start.]

Podarge (Greek): one of harpies [No commentary necessary.]

Radella (English): Elfin counselor [I don’t like Lord of the Rings quite enough.]

At other times, while thumbing through the baby names book, I thought I was reading a dictionary of verbs instead of a book of names for people. Kiss, Flirt, Favor…?

The crowning offense of “25,001 Best Baby Names” was that my name (with any of its spellings) was nowhere to be found. Best names, my foot.

So, there you go. There’s my best defense as to why we didn’t name Eliza for so long. And why, with three weeks still before the [as yet unnamed] baby’s due date, I’ve begun to develop an ulcer.

P.S. Someone thinks Lily is a better middle name than first name. And the way I see it, he has 2/5 of the vote at this point in time. We'll see.