The girl who cried wolf

Today I took Sage to the doctor. I told him she said her bottom hurts. Trying to keep the skepticism out of my voice, I mentioned that she also said her ears hurt.

Doctor: “Anything else?”

Me: “And she says her tummy hurts.”

Doctor: “When does she say her tummy hurts? After she eats? Before she uses the bathroom? Throughout the day?”

Me: “No,” I replied, “Just when I announce that it’s time for bed. In fact, that’s usually when her bottom and ears hurt, too.”

He dutifully checked her, and when he started typing what seemed like a small essay on his computer, I wondered if there was such a diagnosis as “childhood hypochondria.” That wouldn’t be entirely accurate. I don’t think Sage is hurting half as bad as her pre-bedtime woes proclaim…at least not physically. I think she’s just got a bad case of the boy (girl) who cried wolf to avoid—not boredom—but bedtime.

Sage's top 10 excuses:

1. I can’t get my blanket on by myself. (Right.) Or "I didn't get all snuggled up."

2. You forgot to give me a water cup. (Which is never utilized when it’s actually there. It serves only as an excuse to get up when it’s absent.)

3. My ____ (fill in favorite body part) hurts. (I’ve heard tummy, bottom, ears, teeth, head, toes.) [The frequency of these kind of complaints more than doubled after we actually took her to Urgent Care one night to treat a urinary tract infection…thanks to genius Nurse Krista’s correct diagnosis. Sage saw the “pain” excuse as a “Get out of Jail free” card and obviously is still running with it.]

4. You forgot to hug and kiss me.

5. What are the names of the things that you have to do? [Before coming to bed]

6. Can I be happy? [She likes to repeat this one, and if you refuse to answer ‘yes’ she weeps and wails and gnashes her teeth…at least that's what it sounds like from the other side of the door.]

7. Can I turn on the nightlight? Or the naptime version: Why can we not turn on the nightlight?

8. You forgot to sing me a new song.

9. Will you put my hair ribbon back in? (The one she purposely removed ten seconds before rushing out.)

And the most common among potty trained kids:

10. I have to go to the bathroom

Sage’s excuses are only the first line of defense in her attempt to get out of bed. The second round involves some amazing physical feats that I didn’t really think were possible for a 3-year-old. Sage has proven, multiple times, that she can produce a bowel movement on the spot. During one naptime, she got out of bed four total times—first to urinate, then poop, then poop again, and she finally produced her third bowel movement in thirty minutes. I won’t go into details, but I can say that sometimes subsequent BMs are unrelated to their predecessors. That little stinker stores up her feces to use as leverage for getting out of bed! And it's not like I can say no. My mom warned me that toddlers can be pretty manipulative during the potty training process. I had no idea.

At the very least, Sage should exercise some creativity in getting out of bed. This might get her a laugh instead of rolled eyes, if not buy her a few extra minutes. My dad used to write silly excuse notes for us when we were late to elementary school. The result was that our teachers enjoyed us coming in late, because it meant they got an early morning laugh at something like this:

Dear Mrs. Heileson,
Please excuse Janel for being late this morning. Our toilet was acting up, and sucked poor little Janel right down in it today. Fortunately, we were able to drag her out. I’m sure she would be happy to recite the Pledge of Allegiance for you during recess today, as she likely missed it during the plumbing fiasco.
Sincerely,
Keith Wilson

Back to the doctor’s office today. After checking every possibility and inspecting every possible infection site, the doctor diagnosed an ear infection in Sage’s left ear. I guess this time the truth set Sage free, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to give up her nickname as "the girl who cried infection"...I mean, bowel movement...no, wolf. We'll see when the next naptime rolls around.